I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
