Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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