fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
