It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
