Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you win again, gameday.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
