If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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