I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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