I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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