I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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