oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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