that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
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