I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
This is classic penis vs brain.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
