On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
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The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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