whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
