On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
