just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
