just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
