splinters make it hard to masturbate
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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