he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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