hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
