I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I have demons in me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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