I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
