I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
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I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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