I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
