I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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