Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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