ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
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She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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