Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
