I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
