Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just threw up on my dentist
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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