I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
