my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
