The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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