A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
