I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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