We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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