I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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