I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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