I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
