Someone shit on the floor
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
