She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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