I could make wine with my vomit
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's never too late to be topless.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
