I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
