Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
