so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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