i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I FOUND THE LEGS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
