she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
