i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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