I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
