I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
