Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
