just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
