allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
