Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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