I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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