Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
